I solemnly swear, as a responsible Christmas decorator and Memory Maker, to uphold the following truths:
I will learn to define the color of my LED Christmas lights by their Kelvin temperature and color wavelength and will stop using terms like “warm white” and “cool white” as color specifications. They are not. I may as well be asking for “fruit cake” colored lights. See “Common Terms You Need to Know” in the book "Twinkle! The Ultimate Guide to Outdoor Christmas Decorating"
I understand that mixing the color temperatures of the same-colored lights within my display is like putting pineapple on pizza, and I won’t do it. Not ever.
I will never use a light string as an extension cord to jump from a bush to a tree. Nope, not even once. Ever. I might as well use spaghetti for shoelaces.
I promise not to turn my front yard into a chaotic carnival of mismatched lights just because they were 90% off at the big box stores. My family deserves better than something from a clearance aisle horror story.
I will resist the temptation to shine a floodlight into my neighbor’s windows—unless, of course, they still owe me money. Then all bets are off. Heck, I’m probably already doing that.
I will wrap my extension cords with the precision of a neurotic artist, ensuring they don’t morph into knots that only a wizard could untangle.
I have come to terms with the fact that yard gnomes will never be elves, so I’m officially retiring the red-and-white hats. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but hey, someone’s got to keep these gnomes grounded in reality.
I promise not to ignore those glaring danger signs and use the top of my ladder as a step, even if it feels like a shortcut to hanging lights like a festive superhero. Just because Santa can glide nimbly across the rooftops doesn’t mean I need to try and match him.
I will make sure Santa Claus stays out of the nativity scene. And Charlie Brown is not one of the three wise men. Also, Baby Yoda is not an acceptable replacement to lay in the manger if I can’t find an actual baby Jesus.
I will keep the number of lights under seven digits and my spending below Madagascar’s GNP. Otherwise, the family accountant might stage an intervention, and nobody wants that kind of holiday drama, right?
That said, I understand that there’s no such thing as “too many Christmas lights.” If your house isn’t visible from space, are you even trying?
